Back at it Again

It has been awhile since I have posted and there are no good reasons why.   I got busy.   It got stressful to try to blog.   I didn't have any interest in blogging.   I wasn't sure anyone had any interest in reading my blog.   The reasons could go on and on.     So why blog again now?    I finally feel I have more to say, a bigger audience,   more people to inspire.     I think it is also more therapeutic for me as I struggle with life and training in general.   

The Biggest Loser controversy over the past few days really got me thinking more about things.    For those that don't know, the winner went from 250 lbs to 105 lbs over the course of the show and has caused quite a bit of commentary, including many fearing she now has an eating disorder.   It has really made me think about society and it's "ideals".    And I have realized that "ideals" can be very different depending on who is making up the definition.     In this case, the media, general population of people watching the show have dictated "ideal" weight.   250 is too "big" but  "105"  too tiny.    Yes, I agree 155 lb loss over a matter of months is a huge change and to many people maybe extreme.   But it was a contest and she stepped up her game to win, which she did.    Only time will tell what she chooses to do with this result.    But back to my original theory.    Media portrays 250lbs as too big in America.   To sumo wrestlers,  Strongman competitors and in some cultures, that would actually be very small.   On the flip side,  many people think 105lbs is too small.    If you put her next to many of the top triathlon pros, dancers, or gymnasts  she would actually look big.   It is all in the eye of the beholder.   And unfortunately, I think the eye of the American beholder has us looking at unrealistic expectations as to the perfect body type and have many of us constantly feeling like failures as we cannot achieve these "ideals."

 

 The first year I raced an Ironman event, my racing weight was 128lbs.   For a 5'8 frame,  that is downright skinny.   I didn't aim for that weight,  I didn't limit food, in fact, I remember eating all the time when I was training.   I couldn't get enough food to keep the weight on during that time.  I think that my body was not used to that much exercise and I dropped weight pretty quickly.    I have gained all of it back (and more) and each year I have lost less as I think my body has gotten used to all this exercise so it doesn't seem to affect my metabolism as much.    In the world of long course triathlon fluctuating weight is pretty common.   But that isn't anything you see portrayed in the media.   Wrestling does the same thing,  there are all kinds of extreme diets and practices for these wrestlers to be able to weigh in at a certain weight class.   But there isn't a lot in the media and people don't make a big fuss about it, but I am certain there are a ton of eating disorders and extreme practices at play.    The Biggest Loser is a contest and the people on this show are out to win it.   I am sure some are trying to make some life changes as well, but ultimately it is about the money and winning on national t.v.    The changes seen are extreme but very rarely do the participants keep the weight off.    Just like me through the years, as they go back to reality, they eventually start to regain some (or all of that weight back).    I suspect this year's winner will do the same.    If she doesn't, or if she continues to lose weight, then there may be a problem.   If that time comes, though, let her family and friends worry about it.  

And where does this leave the rest of us?   I think everyone struggles with that inner weight demon.   In the triathlon world it is common practice to try to achieve the perfect  race weight.   The theory being that the lighter you are, the faster you can race.    I will admit that my first Ironman was my fastest.    I have raced a little heavier each year and I seem to be slower each year.    But each race has a different story.   In 2010 I did IMKY it was a harder course and the weather was 20 degrees hotter than it had been at IMAZ.      In 2011 I went back to IMAZ hoping for redemption.    My swim was only 2 minutes different, my bike and transitions were my fastest to date, but my run fell apart.   Hard to say why, but I don't believe my weight played a factor.   Overcoming a stress fracture that left me without running for the better part of 4 months prior to the race probably played the biggest factor,  race day nutrition, another.    And 2013 was IMLT...what can I say about it but that it was an Epic race from start to finish.   Did my weight make or break me?   Absolutely not.   The 27 degree air temps at the start,  8,000k of climbing, 6,200ft elevation made this one of the most challenging races to date.   I was happy to finish it and knew going into the race that my time would not be a fast one. 

   So now we come to 2014.    I will be racing Ironman Mont Tremblant this year.    It will be another challenging bike and run  course, and while I am not ready to share my goals yet, I do have a pretty big goal in mind for this one, although I am not expecting or aiming for a time PR.       I have been worried about the weight gain I have had in the off season.    As I write this, I am at my heaviest weight ever.    To many I probably still look very thin.    But my pants aren't fitting well,  I don't like the way my belly and butt look in the mirror and for the first time ever, my pant legs are fitting tight around my thighs.   However, I have been focusing on more strength training this year.    And I can now do 85# squats with bar and 100# deadlifts.  I was actually giggling as I did this earlier this week.    A low number for most, but considering I felt just lifting the bar a few months ago was a big challenge, I am thrilled with these numbers!   And the same thing is happening for my core workouts and arms.    So I am pretty sure at least part of this weight gain is actually muscular.   But for a person that has raced triathlon for so long, it is hard to separate the muscular weight gain from the fat and to me, I just look big right now.   My hope is that in the next phase of training that this improvement in strength will carryover with improved endurance/strength on the bike and run.


    Is there an ideal weight for me to race?  Probably.   Will I achieve it?   Probably not.    I enjoy eating all kinds of foods, some healthy, some not.   I like going out to eat socially with friends after a long run, a long bike, or just to meet up and have fun.    Most of these meals are also likely adding to my weight gain.   I am sure if I stopped eating out, stopped drinking alcohol and went to a strict whole food diet, I could lose the weight and be at a better "racing weight."    But at what end?   I know that because of my genetics, asthma history, etc.  I will never be a competitive racer.    I am sure that I could have better times, but it will still put me at the mid or bottom of my age group.   I race because I enjoy the training.   I race because I enjoy the race itself.    Food of all type makes me happy.   As I struggle with negative body image thoughts, I have to be realistic about things too.     

So as I get depressed about how I (feel) look, I try to also remember everything I can do with this body and focus on the positive.     I am not sure I will ever be happy with how my body looks...at 40 years of age, I can never remember being happy with any phase of how my body has  looked.   But,  I can be happy about everything my body can do.    And right now,  I am pretty pleased with the fact that I can say I am a 4 time Ironman.    My body, no matter how much it has weighed, has gotten me the nickname IronAnn, a name I am incredibly proud to wear.